We have finally gotten to the point where we’re not sure what day it is or in what city we’ve slept. Today, we woke up in Wuxi and will go to sleep in Hangzhou (Han-jo despite my command on the language insisting it was Hang-Zow.) The Wuxi hotel was a dream. We got to sleep in late (although we all would have preferred to get up early and get to the Grand Buddha. Still no go. Kelly will not be moved.)
We were promised a good breakfast and the Days Hotel delivered. So blown away by the volumes of food, Clare got the feeling we were in the Hunger Games, being fattened up for the day’s to-the-death battle. For our cash. We stacked Chinese breakfast on top of American breakfast on top of questionable choices for breakfast, all in the name of vacation eating.
(Why is it when on vacation we throw all caution to the wind and eat like linebackers?) It was the lap of luxury. The cappuccino machine was operable and unlike the rolling bloated boat, it got a workout. 
We were on the 23rd floor against a window overlooking the beautiful green city. We could even see the mountains in the distance. Glorious.
Then something happened that confirmed what we thought was a figment in our dead sleep’s imagination. Snap. Crackle. Pop. I don’t mean 3 creepy breakfast companions either. Are those gunshots? Explosions? Across from us, off the balcony of a high rise apartment, they were shooting off fireworks. In the middle of the city. On a Sunday morning.
When we asked Kelly about it, she was puzzled and said “maybe they do that for weddings.” Sure. At 7am and 9am. On a Sunday. Must have been a successful night!
Today’s government sponsored excursion was to the fresh water pearl factory. Kelly reminded us the whole way there that we were in a 5-star hotel and we were expected to repay the favor by purchasing many pearls. OK sure! The women on the bus were game. We enter the presentation room and are greeted with tiny paper cups of tea. I’m starting to wonder if this is reason-swiping juice innocently presented to us under the auspices of Chinese tradition. Like everything else, lemmings. Down the hatch!
‘Tina’ arrived to teach us about pearl farming. Oysters containing pearls are triangular in shape and the oyster meat is not for consumption. There are 5 colors of pearls, in the order of least to most rare and expensive: white, pink, purple, black and gold. They get their color by exposure to sun rays. How do you tell if they’re real? No, not your teeth. You rub the pearls together and if they feel rough, they’re real. Smooth? Worthy of the Vera Wang collection. At Kohl’s. On clearance. It was a rather quick demonstration. Here’s the pearl. 
Ooo ahhh. You go buy now. The last few of us in the room took another look at the open oyster and thought we’d try our hand at the pearl rubbing. I managed to get a quick test in before they saw what we were doing. They did NOT want us testing the pearls. Curious. Again. You go buy now. Government cheese time!
Into the showroom we went. Necklaces, rings, bracelets all spread out for our open wallet-ed convenience. 
This time, we didn’t get approached or followed. Both Clare and I recognize we’ve seen our better days in the appearance game, but we’re not here to impress the empress. Plus, it started raining a day or so ago and we loosely resemble Wheaton Terriers coming off the pasture so we gave up trying. We’re certain we no longer look like the queens of Bel Aire. More like jokers of the swampland. I stopped sucking in my gut somewhere around the slums of Beiing and Clare has lost her lower abs. (Some among us never located them in the first place.)
The first circle around the the showroom to assess netted some astute observations. Some pretty things. Possibilities were not as abundant as we had hoped. Yet determined to single handedly increase the Chinese GDP, we took a second and third trip around. I notice utter confusion on the faces of our cash fluid bus mates Something was off. Had been lulled into a false belief that none of this was a scam? That we really had swung for the fences and cracked a grand slam with this $399 steal? Impossible.
I had been looking for a ring for nostalgic reasons and it was obvious I left that dream in Wuxi. The first time I put one on, the band would have been better if it were rolled up aluminum foil. Then I noticed something quite nostalgic indeed. The bands were all expandable — like they spent the past week at an arcade dumping Yuan into bubble gum machines, cracking open the plastic eggs, and pulling out the rings for showroom display.. For you men – this means you can squeeze it to make it tighter or pull it apart to allow it to fit your sodium filled sausage fingers after 10 days of Chinese breakfast. Despite what you might think (that this is an efficient idea and sound investment) it’s not. Rookie mistake. Then I started rubbing pearls together. They seemed slightly rough, but not really. I wondered if perhaps they were coated with something to give the feel of roughness. Then when I saw all the Chinese Americans and their first generation parents who were in our group standing against the wall, I knew to step away from counter. Nothing here to see folks. Lemming no more.
With Wuxi under our belts (who am I kidding. Wuxi and the rest of China is decidedly hanging over my belt and then some) and a majority of the promised in-tour stops cancelled or traded off (we came in thinking we were getting Disneyland. We got the the carnival in a Target parking lot) we made the pearl-less trek to Hangzhou. It was enough of a drive that we made a planned stop at a truck stop to squat and grab some lunch — not at the same time. Before us was the traditional Chinese cuisine we’d been waiting for. You want turtle? Feet of various farm animals? Duck parts? Step right up.
We settled on the bold choice of duck gizzards (only because we thought it was turtle,) a duck tongue, and a duck head. We full-on Aflacked this bitch. Boldly going where no Rindone has gone before, we pulled, chewed and tested our culinary courage. Here to report – it all pretty much tasted like duck. There were bones attached to the tongue so it was a little like eating a wishbone. (We wished for continued unbroken blister packs of Imodium.) The tongue was actually a little spicy. 
The gizzard was very mild and not at all mealy like your run of the mill truck stop chicken gizzard. Going head to head on the last piece – Clare got cheeky and pulled apart the bill in search of meat. 
There wasn’t much, but what was there wasn’t scary at all. The only thing we passed on was the eye socket. It was just gooey enough to be reminiscent of a good Rosie (the dog) snot. Hard pass.
Triumphant, we got back on the bus to home-remedy any potential toxins or bacteria with a purchased 5th of ‘your guess is as good as mine’ Chinese liquor. It could be rum. It could be whiskey. It could be furniture polish. We had no way of knowing. But we were our own duck dynasty at this point. We shall not be stopped. (And this might just grow chin hair.) There was a man behind us in line that literally pointed and laughed at our selection. The cashier rolled her eyes and slightly shook her head. We probably were walking out with Mad Dog 2020. We passed out shots. 
The back of the bus crew thought it burned. Clare and I looked at each other and said “I like it! A little like bitter whiskey with a hint of sweetness.” We have no idea what their issue is. Our issue is apparently our over-developed tolerance for grain alcohol.
We were now entering Hangzhou – China’s richest city (or maybe the richest in the province. The owner of Ali Babba lives and has his home office here. Ah. The city is known for it’s tea production. You know what that means!!! More government sponsored fun-time where ‘captive audience’ goes from figurative to literal. (Sidebar: I refuse to accept that the definition of literal has been altered to now means both literal and figurative. That is literally a pile of crap.)
We stop first at the beautiful West Lake, full of scenic bridges and ponds filled with lily pads. 
My inner photographer is literally exploding. (See what I did there?) We get a quick tour and have our first on-tour hour to ourselves in 7 days. We tried our hand at street souvenir haggling. It didn’t work. We even brought our new bus Chinese friends over to help us out. The shop owner was put out like an Italian grandma who has had her food refused. We learned we were basically trying to negotiate down at the dollar store. Fine. Whatever. Take our money.
Clare wanted to bring the ‘made in China’ items back to the bus so I sent her on her way and said she could find me somewhere on the path around the lake. I snapped and snapped and snapped my photos, and avoided more suspicious glares from passers by. 
After some time had passed, not seeing Clare, I turned back around and took a seat at the entrance where we parted. Time passed. No Clare. She’s exploring. Certainly. Time passed. I’m not at all freaking out. She’s an adult who needed a hot second alone. Time passed. No Clare. Now it’s time to get to the meet up. I walk back through the park the way we first came. They’ve blocked off the path because of the evening show on the lake. What’s that rising up inside of me? It must be trucker duck, not dread. I circle back to the street. Time is passing. No Clare. Certainly she’s at the meet up point for the group. I arrive. No Clare. Nope! Not worried at all. An ambulance passes by. Nah. She’s not in it. By this time, my sister-in-law’s face has passed through my mind and it looks like the time we left the 2 year old at the park. Not on my watch (again.) 5:15 arrives. Meet up time. Everyone is asking “where’s Clare? Oh! You lost her?” Nope. Not me. I was exactly where I said I’d be. “Family number 5?” Well, half of us are here. Cool has been kept. At 5:20, down the street strolls a white among Asians. Clare. Was she lost? A little. Did she return to the path? Yep. We were apparently in alternate universes. There is no other explanation for how we missed each other. Did she cope? Sure did. An empty bar, a bar stool, and a beer for that girl to collect and move on. All is well in adventure land.
All families are present and it’s time for authentic braised spare ribs famous in Hangzhou. Nope! Not for this tour group. We will have pulled pork. That’s authentic to this area, too. Psych! I think there’s a language gap between the given itinerary and actual. Kelly keeps pleading with us: “Don’t shoot the tour guide.” Regardless, it’s still an included dinner and so far so good on the food front. This was no exception. Belly up to the lazy Susan, peeps. Time to feed.
An observation on this style of eating. If you’ve ever been at a family dinner where more than 15 are present, you understand the mad grab for food and why we wear protective gear to keep our arms scratch free. I got a similar vibe on this trip. Despite us knowing that they’ll continue to bring plate after plate of Chinese delicacies, most of the Americans grab and claw to make sure we get ours. If you’re not careful, you could be mid-scoop and Susan will spin on her axis, sending your chopsticks flying into the next person’s throat. Sharks spinning a school of fish into a feeding frenzy comes to mind.
This night, we were supping with a different mix of people. Halfway through dinner, I became acutely aware of a sweet little couple sitting next to me. They were in our group, Korean immigrants to America. They were quintessential older Asians, so delicate and calm in their feeding ritual. Calm in a storm of open mouthed chewers. I felt really humbled and a little embarrassed for the contrast in styles. So I thought I’d slow my roll and try to present with a little decorum. I even gingerly turned away from the table to gently sneeze. This dainty freaking petal is killing this. Then from across the table Vegas (I resorted to nick names very early on) says to me, “You have a big piece of food on your face.” And not anywhere logical, albeit embarrassing like by my mouth or anything. Nah. I had sneezed a chunk of potato up to my cheekbone and didn’t even know it. Well, so much for me being the ambassador to charm town.
Meal complete and faces cleaned of any debris, we re-enter the park just as it starts to sprinkle for a nighttime show called “Illuminations of West Lake.” It’s a music/dance/light show on platforms that makes it appear the performers are walking on water. We’re ushered to our nose bleed seats -(that’s about right.) As we sit, the sprinkle turns to rain and we’re glad to be under cover. The performance begins and two exquisitely dressed singers on a platform float across the lake. 
The rain picks up a bit. The background dances pirouette onto the lake — their splashes in the flood lights (pun not intended) is actually cool. As the show continues – the entire lake is filled with lights making the surrounding trees glow and the bridges come alive. 
The rain has now picked up enough to become a torrent. The singers and dancers are powering through. This is when the people in the front start screaming because the wind has shifted and sheets of rain are drenching them like watermelon at a Gallagher concert. Not making fun of our seat now, are you? They all rush to higher seating. More people floating and a selection from swan lake is performed. Venue employees are rushing into the stands throwing plastic ponchos out for everyone to take. The rain has now reached biblical flood status. How long until the frogs arrive? By the time the white grand piano completely bubbled in plastic being played brilliantly by an umbrella shielded pianist floated by, I realized the Chinese have a far more militant interpretation of ‘the show must go on.’ Slowly the rain slowed to a near stop and the illumination part became clear. Just in time for the finale set to “Ode to Joy.” Like so many t-shirts we see with crazy combinations of English words (Yellow book drugs have, is one head scratching example) I can’t help but believe they have no idea how ironic that song choice is. Show ends. Crowd erupts and we hope for a good night’s sleep after a long day.
We had no idea what was in store for us next. But that’s for another day.
Roam Free 
Thx for the Rosie shout out; I think!!🤔
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