China — what a $399 somewhat inclusive package gets you. Installment: Beijing

Our first day is one for the planes, trains and automobiles logs. For as many people as I talked to regarding this trip, no one even came close to framing up what we were in store for. Our tour guide Leung (or as she asked us to call her — Rebecca — she doesn’t look much like a Rebecca) told us on the way in from the airport that when she is on this tour, she stays at the hotel with us because she lives too far away (but still lives in Beijing.) This got us wondering, “how far away can she live?” Our first of many Google searches revealed HOLY BUCKETS. Beijing is almost 6500 square miles! For context, that’s roughly the size of Wales. WALES. So table that thought for a bit. (It’s also 3000 years old, so I guess they’ve had some time to get there.)

Let’s cover off on a few things. Smog. Check. Yes, this place would make that Native American on our TVs in the 70s do more than shed a tear. Mostly because the air quality just flat out makes your eyes water. (It’s mostly from the burning of coal — thanks Google.) Little particles float through the air. The sun at night is a shade of red orange, you know, like almost the highest terror alert. The masks are nice to have. AND to my surprise, have a minty fresh, almost eucalyptic smell. A nice trade off when your glasses fog up from your breath.

Breakfast started with an “I don’t know but let’s give it a go” kind of attitude. Noodles for breakfast? Why not. Pale meat encased in a sausage tube? Sign me up. Eggs in two forms? At least I know what it is. I’m not sure what it is about traveling (or perhaps it was the buffet) but we seem to consume at least 2.5x more for breakfast than we would on a normal day. Seconds? That’s normal, right? All in all, the breakfast was tasty and we didn’t get the runs. Yet.

From here we were loaded on to the bus to head to the city center for a visit to Tiananmen Square (famous for man vs. tank in 1989, although Rebecca didn’t mention this) and the Forbidden City (we still don’t know what makes it forbidden. Maybe it’s forbidden to mention man vs. tank.) The square itself was huge. Even amidst a 6500 square mile city — still ‘uge.’ Military guarded the tower and also had a significant enough presence throughout the city (although Clare noticed no guns. Likely because the precision marching evokes enough terror on its own.) Summary: people people people, square square, building building, cue lines for days. The oddest part was the Vegas Bellagio-style synchronized water show in front of the Fabian Buddhist Temple. Not nearly as elaborate and sporting that famous portrait of Mao.

We entered the Forbidden City at least 4 times. Not actually, but every 20 foot tall door made us believe that we were finally inside. All the way there were layers and layers of traditional Chinese architecture — roofs with two or more sections that incline and sweeping roofs with the curvature that rises at the corners. Dazzling colors of gold, red, green and blue ornately adorned the rafters and rooftops. And tons of people. Have you ever been somewhere in America or Europe and encountered Chinese tourists? You know how they have no sense of personal space and just barge their way through? Just like the first time I went to Italy and encountered Italians and my whole life made sense — being in the Forbidden City brought me to the “OH! That’s just what they do. Barge, push, move.” It wasn’t long before I adopted the custom. It works pretty well and you can get your shot much faster. History: 3000 wives for the emperor (I guess one for each year?) and they rotated out every 3 hours. Good on ya.

By this time, the troops were tired and ready for our Peking Duck lunch. We went into an open banquet room filled with rounds seating 8 and they just started bringing us food. Sweet and sour pork, some other meat, sticky rice, noodles with stuff, delicious beer, and the duck. Oh the duck.

You start with a thin pancake, slather on some plum sauce, layer on the sliced duck, onion strips, and cucumber and burrito it up. Nothing short of fantastic. It was your basic feeding frenzy. I think the huge lazy Susan on the table was smoking from the revolutions in search of more food. Did someone say more food? Out came some fresh watermelon, soup (which we think was duck juice and coconut milk, sure, ok) and something tempura-ed that tasted a bit like the state fair. Again, the food was quite good (I don’t know what everyone complains about.) No runs.

Now this is where Clare and I are pretty sure we’ve got this. For reasons I don’t need to get into, we have long ago in the day lost Rebecca as a fan. She’s wearing colored contacts, so I don’t feel too bad about this. (I do want her jean jacket, though. Clare wants her tennis shoes.) The rest of the group is headed to The Temple of Heaven. (I had made the bold decision to not pay the tour cost and Clare and I would figure out how to get there another day for much less money.) Rebecca looked at us like we were crazy and said “Ok. You get to hotel on your own.” We’ve got this, sister. Although I’m fairly certain she hopes we fail in this endeavor. We’ll note if she has a look of disappointment when “Family Number Five” as we’re known replies “here” at roll call tomorrow morning.

We decide we’re going to chill at a cafe and plan out our solo adventure. They have those bikes you rent by the minute, hour, whatever. (We resorted to this only after failing to find mopeds to rent.) We sign up and DENIED. China doesn’t want our cycling cash. Fine! We’ll hoof it. I had heard about a park overlooking the Forbidden City (Jing shan park.) Supposedly beautiful. As the tale will tell, we’ll never know. We decide we can walk there or given the diminishing hours, we would take a cab. I had heard you should get an English speaking person to write down in Mandarin your destination. We returned to the coffee shop and asked “Chris” and “Cindy” to help us out. Cindy was nothing short of confused. Once she found the park, we asked about our hotel. I showed her the hotel on the itinerary and the map. She asked for the room key. Again. Nothing short of confused. “Your hotel isn’t up there!” She gave us the Mandarin anyway and grew very concerned about how we would get there. Lots of options, but she landed on one subway line to the end plus a cab. PERFECT! I probably should stop saying that.

Subway. No sweat, mostly (once we found the “English” key on the kiosk.) It was an easy, clean, Ninja-free ride north. We decided to just walk the rest of the way rather than get a cab (a failed theme for the day.) It was just a little over a mile after all. OK. Lesson 1 (for the purposes of this writing) Apple. Maps. Suck. Sure, I already knew this, but I will take a moment to say we are completely out of our element here. We abandoned the bus to venture out on our own in a city the size of Wales. WALES. Clear thinking isn’t on the agenda. We start walking anyway and assume we’ll eventually find a cab. I remembered reading that you can’t hail a cab on a highway. This SEEMS like something that would be logical, but I’m not sure ‘highway’ is a good translation. Regardless, we got out to the intersection of Highway and Highway and kept walking. The Apple Map kept directing us to something that was “900 feet away” yet we’d been walking for 15 minutes and no change. I mean, we’re tired and all, but come on.

We lucked upon a cab coming off a side street and showed him Cindy’s Mandarin. Cabbie’s here don’t go by maps, they go off photographic memory or something. He still didn’t know where we were going. Once figured out, we hop in for a 25 minute ride. (Does anyone remember me saying Apple Maps said this was a one mile walk? Hey guy that isn’t Steve Jobs! Fix this. It wasn’t 30 seconds after we climbed in the cab that we were thrust into the “Industrial” section of Beijing – or one of 5000 sections like this.

The row of car repair places quickly dissolved into slum. Full on slum. We started playing “Who Wants to Be A Millionaire” because it seemed so appropriate. Thankful to be in a cab on our way back to our hotel, we giggled (at least I did) at the original. thought of walking. (This would have been worse than the sketchy and ill-advised bike ride through one of the worst sections of Chicago — another story.)

We passed a lot of trucks piled high with what we assumed was trash and in a blink, we were on the most beautiful roadway just minutes from our hotel. Only thing is, we passed nothing of the sort the night before to get to our hotel. Out of our element or not, it didn’t take long to realize ‘we at the wrong hotel.’ The hotel listed on the itinerary is NOT the hotel we are actually staying in. Out of of our element lesson 2: when the person who speaks Mandarin notices the address on the key card is no where near where you’re telling her it is…pay attention.

Tired, dusty, clearly unable to pay the rates at this hotel (although at that point it was tempting) a hotel worker came to our aid (or rushed to get an answer quickly so the urchins would stop bringing the property value down.) He looks on his phone for the address of our actual hotel and pulls a Joey — WHOA. Yeah. We’re now an HOUR away from where we should be. We can take a subway 3 hours (it’s 7pm by this time) OR cough up the money for a cab. Cab please! He calls us a cab and tries to make us feel better by telling us “Beijing at night is pretty!” Thanks, Joe. (I’m sure if we had asked, that would have been his given name.)

Into the cab we go, which was a perfect time for a nap (Clare) and a blog post (moi.) So what did we learn today:

Beijing is huge. Like, really unfathomably, uncontrollably massive.
Don’t abandon the bus.
The food is quite good (so far, no runs.)
If all else is confusing, pay attention to your room key’s address.
This is one planet — yet we feel completely distant from this population.
This is Darwinism at it’s best. Just because you’re standing in line doesn’t actually mean you get to go next.

That’s just day one. We’re certain to have more adventures as these next 8 days unfold.

Post Script — Things not elaborated:

– Child allowed to poop on the bathroom floor
– The ice cream at KFC is surprisingly tasty – the price for a squatty potty
– Squatty potties

– You can’t just “pop around the corner and pick up a Chinese hair dryer”
– You can’t just “pop around the corner to the ATM” either